*Disclaimer- All views, writings, and opinions belong to this blog. I am not a physician. If you need medical or mental health advice seek a professional, medical doctor. If you or anyone you know is struggling with an addiction, or mental health, seek a doctor.*
Several years ago, I was sitting in a course for spouses and family members of addicts in California. I was there to support my fiance at the time( you can read more about me @ https://bibleandcake.com/category/my-story/) The presenter looked at us and said, each one of you is co-dependent on the attendee here at the rehab. I sat there and thought, “yeah whatever, I am not dependent on him. He is an addict. How can I be dependent on him”.
Yet, I did not know what the term truly meant. I was so stubborn, frustrated, and stressed and just wanted this nightmare to be over. However, I flew across the map to support him and figure out how I can do better in something I just learned( his addictions) because we were SUPPOSED to get married.
What is co dependent?
- According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary Website: a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another often controlling or manipulative person (such as a person with an addiction to alcohol or drugs)
In my opinion, when I began to learn and understand what being co dependent was, my face could have been next to the definition in the dictionary.
We had an unhealthy, unstable relationship for several years. Yes, I was young and “in love” but the foundation was not healthy. I was not healthy. Again, I was NOT healthy. I was so attached to a man who needed help with his issues.
How was I not spiritually, mentally, and emotionally healthy?
- First, my identity was based on a relationship and not Jesus Christ.
- My self-worth and self-esteem were low. I put a man before myself. I also put the relationship and his needs(addictions, personal struggles, mental health) before my health. * Some may say, well you were being kind? You were being selfless? You loved him so this is “normal and expected”. I would disagree. We have to maintain our self-care and mental health. We need to be healthy too.
- I wanted to get married to someone I knew was unstable at the time.
I remember leaving California and wondering if this realtionship would work. However, when we got back home, I continued in the relationship despite his relapses. Again, another example of my co dependency and enabling that I had issues with.
Sometimes we are so confused and entangled in things that may not be for us. It is so hard in the moment. I know that all too well.
I was used and manipulated many times in this relationship but because I thought I needed him I stayed.
Not all things are good for us. Not all things are meant to be. It is hard but the tough times will not last.
